Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
