I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
