So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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