No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
