Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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