420 ftw
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
