Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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