My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
