I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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