when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
