Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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