margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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