Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
