3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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