You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Randomize
