So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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