Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
