I think I won the penis lottery.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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