did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
