So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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