Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
