apparently the secret to your success is patron
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
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