I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
