You just made me feel so damn special
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Just invented taco cereal.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
