LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
