i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
