I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
