yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
