You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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