you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
