Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
