i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
