i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
