you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
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