After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
