fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Randomize
