Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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