Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Randomize
