My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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