I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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