Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
