apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
