For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
