You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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