Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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