you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
