do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
