Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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