fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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