I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
