$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
We left the knife in your bed.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
