i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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