i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
