I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
