i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
