38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
